I was about seven years old and in the middle of a week-long, summer visit to my grandparents’ house. I enjoyed the familial atmosphere of these visits. My sister and I didn’t get to see our cousins much outside of these summer vacations. I was the youngest though, and often got picked on by the others. They were watching a movie or something that was of no interest to me and out of boredom I began staring into a mirror.
I stared so long that I had stopped seeing my face. I saw lines, colors, shades, and the brightness of my own spirit. I had a moment of divine consciousness and saw my truest self looking back at me in that mirror. For a moment I was in awe. The words escaped my mouth without a thought, “I think I’m pretty.” And then the moment was over and the horror of what I had just said out loud in front of my sister and all of our cousins washed over me.
I knew it was coming as soon as the words left my mouth. I can’t even remember anything particular that they said. I only remember the way they made me feel and the message that I took in. Thinking I was pretty made me conceited and stuck up and totally unlikable. And where did I get off thinking I was pretty in the first place? Who was I to give myself such a positive label?
This incident was one I dealt with while I was in therapy. It had left me afraid to place to high a worth on myself. It crushed my self-esteem, leaving me believing that self-esteem was in itself an awful quality for me to have. Every time I started to feel good about myself, I was brought back to that moment and felt a deep sense of shame.
EMDR helped to take the sting out of the memory and in many ways, I was able to start valuing myself. When it comes to my appearance though, I have continued to have some blocks and limiting beliefs. I don’t like to stand out or bring attention to my appearance and prefer to connect with people through written words than face to face.
During a Dr. Beckwith meditation about beauty today, this memory came up. Unlike in the past, the primary focus of the memory was the feeling I had before the words left my mouth. That feeling of awe. As the meditation guided me to declare that “I Am beauty,” I felt a rush of emotion as an energetic block cleared somewhere within my Heart Chakra and cleansing tears flowed.
I think I’m pretty. I will allow myself to look in the mirror and to see the beauty of my divine self. It is through my own divine beauty that I will take in and appreciate all the beauty of the world around me. I will let it shine for everyone to see who looks with their heart. I think I am pretty, and I love who I am.