My feelings got hurt. My partner did something that inadvertently hurt my feelings. He did not set out to. He did not do anything wrong. No long-term damage was done. As soon as he saw I’d been hurt he offered apologies and comfort. But my feeling got hurt. That’s how it started.
Or did it start with the thoughts? Let’s look at that for a moment. What thoughts went through my mind just before the bad feelings came? Hmmm. I think it was something along the lines of, “He must not really love me, or this wouldn’t be.” I attached some rules to love there, I guess. So, rule number one, if you really love me you will never do anything to hurt my feelings. Haha. That isn’t practical, is it?
In that moment though, that thought that, “He must not really love me,” was enough to trigger other thoughts. “He doesn’t think I’m good enough.” “He’ll never really love me.” “Maybe I really am not good enough.” “Maybe I am not even loveable.” Of course, being in the line of work I am, I am an expert on the fact that all the thoughts are rubbish.
I know I am a perfect expression of the divine. I am an important and beautifully perfect piece of the whole that makes up everything. I know that my attachment to certain beliefs causes my suffering more than what is actually happening. I know the secret of letting go of suffering is to let go of that attachment. I’m a lightworker, dang it! I know these things, and I teach them. I know.
And yet here I am, two days later, still feeling depressed. Clinical depression is like that, and even when we have a whole box of tools for self-care and healing, it can still hit us. I have learned over the years, that I cannot cure my depression. But even when I spend a few days breaking down into tears for no real reason and not making nearly the progress I want to with my business or home responsibilities, I am still confident in my ability to heal myself.
You see, healing doesn’t always come fast. It is an ongoing process. Especially when you suffer from something chronic, such as depression. I’ve learned a lot and my spirituality, and my work have given me new skills to get myself through it while doing long term work that makes these incidents less severe and further apart.
First, I take my medication. I am no longer on daily meds, but in times like these I take anti-anxiety medication and a sleep aid. I believe in the mind and body’s natural ability to heal, but I also believe that medication has its place and is nothing to be ashamed of. It calms me enough to think more rationally and get myself grounded and to sleep better.
I meditate. I sit with the feelings and observe them. I give myself permission to just be with them. If we struggle against the emotions and try to fight them, we get that feeling of drowning. So, I just flow with it and let myself feel whatever it is I feel in the moment. I remind myself that like all things, this is temporary. It comes and goes like waves. Soon it will pull out again, and again I will shine bright with self-love and optimism. I remind myself it will pass, and it eases a bit.
I use affirmations. I become aware of the negative thoughts in my mind and I respond to them with positive affirmations. “I am enough.” “I am loveable.” “I deserve the love of others.” I say them even if I can’t feel their truth at that moment, because I still know in my heart, they are true. The pain gets even more manageable.
I am honest. I am honest with myself and the people around me about what I am going through. I talk about it. I take extra time for self-care. I reach out to people for support. I am part of the whole. I never have to go through anything along. At any time, I can find someone to talk to. Whether it be a friend or family member, or someone I’ve met online, I can always find someone. I am not alone, and this lessens the load of depression.
I practice self-Reiki. Not only on myself in the here and now, but on the little girl who formed the beliefs that triggered the depression. I send it to myself at every stage throughout my past in which these beliefs were reinforced in some way. I take time to love and care for myself through all the times of my life. I have the skills to do this and it brings me true healing.
I use my crystals. I keep the one that call to me close throughout the day. I take the time to look at my collections and admire their beauty and remind myself that they in the ancient strength and I come from the same source. I place them on my body, and I let their vibrations effect mine likes ripples in the water when you throw in a pebble. I let their vibrations manipulate and align mine to their healing energy and feel supported.
I work hard. I do my work diligently, as they Reiki Principle tells me to. I don’t give in to any temptation to take the day off and lie in bed all day wallowing in my emotions. I go to work running my business and helping others. When I channel Reiki to my clients, I feel it running through me and it brings us both healing. I give myself something positive to focus on and to be proud of (for I don’t think pride is a sinful thing when we keep it in check). It gives me purpose and hope.
I suffer through clinical depression. I also care for myself through depression. I love myself through depression. I let others love me through depression. I heal through depression. I work through depression. I can’t say that I like going through depression, but I am grateful for the motivation in gives me to use my tools. I am grateful for the tools I have to use. I am grateful for my ability to use them. I am grateful to Spirit for gifting them to me. I am grateful.