I have moments, especially in the middle of the night, in which memories of my older children’s early childhoods come to my mind, fill me with regret, and keep me from sleeping. How I wish I knew then what I do now. I know that this kind of thinking is not constructive. I cannot go back and take away the harm done to my children when I was living in survival mode rather than manifesting a good life for us.
I didn’t know better, and I know I have to be forgiving to myself. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Dwelling on past regrets only aligns me with that past energy. It brings me out of alignment with my higher self and with the life I am trying to manifest now.
Things that happened 20 years or more ago flash into my mind and seem so fresh. That is how trauma is. I have healed so much, but there are still strands of that pain running through me and in my memories and once in a while they still get lit up and take me over for a moment.
These kind memories have had the power to keep me awake all night in the past, reliving the horrors. My older daughter’s face as an infant came up so clearly along with a memory of one of the first red flags I saw, and ignored, with her father. This time, I recognized what was happening.
I acknowledged the memory and that it really was awful. Then I took time to consciously send love to 17-year-old me and forgiveness for not running away then. I sent love and comfort to my tiny baby girl, who I’m sure was as scared as I was, if not more so that day. Then I left them in the past and forced my mind to my intentions for my future.
I forced my thoughts, and it had to be done almost aggressively, to the life I want to have three years from now. I thought about my career, traveling across the country, and restoring the old house we plan to have. I envisioned all the details. I let it become real in my mind. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. It was morning and not only had I fallen asleep, I stayed asleep, which is pretty unusual.
The memory that disturbed me last night is still in the front of my mind this morning, but its power is gone. It is just a sad thing that happened and is over now rather than something with the power to bring me to my knees with guilt and regret. I am rested and ready to start my day. I am ready to enjoy the journey to my future life, despite the pain and mistakes of the past. I am ready. I am open to receiving. I am in a state of allowance and ready to take right action.